rediscovering eden
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am Yours
testimonies
Monday, May 26, 2008
-5:24 PM
After being away for so long, both physically (camp after camp) and mentally [on a side note, spiritually too], I've decided to come back and face reality.
There are plenty of things I've got to catch-up on, including work.
SMO is tomorrow, MCS due on 4th June.
4 PTs.
CHURCH
Find out about multiplication.
Prayer pointers by TODAY.
But, no, I'm not even talking about these things, however important or urgent they seem to be.
Let me face it, I'm drifting from God again.
It's been some time.
I don't get it. I know it's not a good idea to ask WHY because it gives rise to doubt, but WHY is it that some how I just find it so hard to grow this year. It's like there's this plateau that I reach, and after some time of stagnancy, I just go down.
Conclusion: It's some stronghold. I think so. In fact, I know so. It's... whatdoyoucallthat... A BONDAGE.
OHMYFREAKINGGOODNESS MY MUM HAS A BOOK CALLED THE BONDAGE BREAKER!
AHA! I shall borrow it and read it.
But that's beside the point.
I was looking down my links and I realised that I haven't read Ern Chuen's blog for ages. Well, He's grown. And His posts are as encouraging as ever.
"Quick post in the midst of exams. Sometimes it's good to mug. xD Not that I enjoy it. But it's because somehow God slots in a reminder here and there. I was going through my history notes. Perfectly normal. And then I came across my notes on Communism which I had completely forgot about. In case you don't know, communism is the complete removal of any social class, any every gets equal status with equal share of benefit. We were suppose to discuss whether this is a good form of government in a country. And I wrote, "Too good to be true. Everyone has to be kind, honest and put others before you. A certain impossibility." Reading this remark again reminded me of how imperfect this world is. How unstable it is. But i really like this =) Slotted just next to this statement, I wrote something really random and yet, it was the reassurance of a loving Father. "Democracy=Freedom? JESUS=Freedom"
I was brought back to a moment in time, last year in my times of extreme lows, and then I saw the love of God holding on to me. I was brought back to the Battlecall camp, where God was pouring forth annointing and bring us into a history-making moment. I look back at what I've done before, and I fear i might go back to the same thing. Maybe you feel this way. Well, God is saying to you today. You're free. You're free. You're free to dance, free to jump, free to live out the victory He has purposed for you. I'M FREE. My sins, He has cast away as far as the east is from the west. My past, He will use to reflect His glory. I AM FREE. Whenever you get bombarded spiritually, whenever you think you're this close to going back to your past, let the resounding praise of God drown out the utter lies whispered into your ears. I AM FREE. =) "
Whenever you think you're this close to going back to your past.
My sentiments exactly.
Right now I'm feeling that same blurriness/spinning sensation again.
But with a pinch of indifference.
This is not good.
Another strong hint that suggests I need urgent help.
Was leading worship today at camp.
I was so totally just SINGING.
Worshiping and singing are so totally different things.
One more thing.
I really want to talk to Deborah Tang.
I still miss her loads.
And, I want to give her her overdue present and letter, and take her out.
Gosh, what a packed holiday.
Which is good.
AND.
I WILL NOT WATCH ANY MORE DRAMAS FROM THIS DAY ON.
EXCEPT MAYBE SWEET 18 WHICH IS IN MY IPOD, ONLY WHEN I'M OUT OF MY HOUSE.
IF I DARE, I WILL FORCE MYSELF TO BLOG IT AND YOU WILL SEE IT. XDD
Monday, May 19, 2008
-4:49 PM
BTW the stuff from the pre-camp post have been generally resolved but I guess this will be pretty much long term.......
-4:33 PM
SHPS GB Camp was fun.
Primary school kids are interesting, haha.
It's been only 1.5 years, and I say that already.
Heh.
The overly enthusiastic OR completely reserved and shy OR act-cool/very cool.
Haha.
Children Worship is so fun!
All the actions, WHEE!
Haha, my leg muscles hurt because of the "Jesus My Best Friend" song XD
45 CIP hours for 3 days!
Heh.
I could earn >100 in a week then! ((:
Anyway, I'm SO going for SHPS GB camp next year.
Free food, free lodging, nice officers, (generally) cute kids, CIP hours.
WHOA.
XP
Thursday, May 15, 2008
-7:09 PM
things aren't going too well.
What can I say.
It's my fault la.
But I don't know what to do.
As in, I've apologised and all, but she says she's given up.
It's scary.
It's like she hates my guts.
And not just my guts.
Well I told myself one thing.
No matter how much you hate me, I will continue to love you.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
-4:41 PM
I feel like a spoilt brat.
You know, the kind that does whatever she wants and sulks when what comes is anything less than satisfactory.
Results came out today.
Well, I'd say math was sufficiently disastrous and so was everything else, except geog and maybe history.
But I still thank God la.
I mean, I studied less than last year and I agree that I 'sacrificed' math because I didn't see this exam as so important.
Oh well.
Feeling quite 'mixed' now because I've been falling behind on my walk with God, of late.
Like, this week, after the exams have ended.
I've been slacking and watching dramas.
This drama thing has caused my academic downfall, I can say for sure.
I don't know what to do about it.
It's not as if I don't want to study.
Oh how I wish I was some mugger kid who can't get off her books when the exams are only 2 months away. That would be SO pleasant.
I'm some procrastinator person who wants something but takes no action.
Speaking of which, geog PT, which I'm less than half done with.
And, FUEL homework.
I should really get to doing it.
Since it's about procrastination.
Well, I guess it's time to make good this time.
Last year I learnt that it's possible to improve a GPA by 0.4.
So I guess it's not too late.
I'd better learn my lesson just like I did last year.
Even so, last year wasn't that very spectacular either.
I'm rambling.
asijw89rujaweiofjsfjadso;k
I suddenly remembered! Worship ministry!
Gosh, it's definitely not time to tell my parents what P Gary told me to tell them after multiplication, with results like these.
Okay I admit my results weren't THAT bad, as some would say. But very frankly speaking (assuming no one chances upon this), I'm not comparing to the lowest marks or even the average mark. That's not called high expectations, that's called setting standards and targets; benchmarking. It's got to be the right people.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
-7:56 PM
MYAs are over.
Thank God.
I'm on a card-making/singing/enjoying life moe now.
Haha, card-making because of *shush* mothers' day and water baptism and being ALLSTARS' new birthday I/C XD
Card-making is pretty fun.
It's just.. tedious, heh.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
-1:25 PM
To walk in righteousness. Sermon yesterday spoke to me very much, but I guess I didn't respond to it as strongly as I would have. Right now let me just say that my walk with God's getting back on track. It's been going well, although I'm absolutely certain that it's not the best. Haha, ACS motto! XD
It's a good feeling to know that I'm getting more in line with the things of God again, yet there's this lingering feeling that I've been unable to describe for ages that's still bugging me. It's gotten so bad that when asked for prayer requests or to describe situations, I try to describe it, fail miserably and send the wrong message across! But basically, the feeling is that somethings' not right. After yesterday's message, I would think it's caused by righteousness (rather, the lack of it.)
Walking in the ways of God is never easy. But I guess for nearly the whole of last year, it was something I was striving so hard to achieve. And although I would get tired and fail at times, I'd say I was walking in the light much of the time. It was a good feeling.
Somewhere along the way, situations came in the way. I think that was December last year, after SP class (all fired up) and shortly after Battlecall, the devil came against me very very very hard. It was this terrible blow that I've not completely recovered from, and it was immensely painful. The lingering feeling? It's probably guilt- from not living righteously as I once strived to.
I know that I've not been living right. I've been doing things I would shun from last year. School's not helping either. And friends, they help but they can also work the other way. Oh well. This post sounds so emo! XP To me, at least! ANYWAY!
I shall cut the long story short; I'm becoming more and more long-winded! D:
Basically I guess that problem is that I've gotten so worn out living right before God and I kinda, gave up? And then I felt really bad and then it's been bugging me all this time?
Hm, I should be thinking about geog since I'm only halfway through that. Maybe not even halfway. Ohwell.
